Bukkhead Creative Writing

I had the privileged of sitting down with Dargtanon Longitude Green, lead singer of the esteemed kid's emo metal band Month of Frankensteins. Here is an excerpt from our interview.

Let's start with you name. D'artagnan. Am I pronouncing that right?

Lot's of people make that mistake. It's Darg tannen, actually.

Oh! Just like it's spelled! I thought maybe you were named after the character from the Three Muskateers.

Nah, I don't like candy bars. Rots your tongue.

Right. And your middle name. I don't suppose you have a brother named Latitude, do you? [chuckles].

No. Why would I? I have sister named D'artagnannie though. 

Oh really? And what's her middle name?

It's the one before Green. Pretty sure. No wait. She got married.

I see.

Chamberpot.

Her middle name is Chamberpot?

No, I just said that because. Tourette's and everything, you know.

Ah, you have Tourette's.

Not really. But I am a hypochondriac, so I sometimes think I have Tourette's. And whenever I remember that I think I have Tourette's-

You say chamberpot.

No, that's the first time I've ever said that word in my life. Assmodius.

Asmodeus? Even for someone who has, uh, no offense, fake Tourette's, that's a heck of a word to just blurt out.

I agree! My sister married one of the Princes of Hell, and it's funny because I kept calling him Asmodeus, which was embarrassing, because at the reception he had to take me aside and tell me it was pronounced Assmodius.

Oh my.

Yeah, and so, it was like, later, when he was ripping the guests into a fury of lust and blood-torture, replete with a conga line of people tied to each other with their own intestines, and he screams “I AM ASSMODIUS!” and everyone just looks at me like, you asshole.

Jesus.

My face was red.

Wow.

And not just from blood, man.

Uh…

Hey, which magazine do you work for again?

Oh, me? No, I don't work for a magazine.

Or what blog or TV show or whatever.

No, I'm just the assistant manager here.

Where?

Here. Here, at McDonald's. I interview all the job applicants.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Records sales have been shit lately. Can I work the fryer?

Well first we need to-

[cell phone rings] Hang on a sec. Yeah? Oh, hey Ass-man. [pause] Fuck, dude, that's my sister man! TMI! [pause] Yeah, I'm here now, I think I got the job. [cups phone] Did I get the job?

Well-

Nice. [back on phone]. Nailed it, dude. I'ma work the fryer. [pause] Nah, I'ma hook you up man, free fries for life! [pause].

Um, Darg Tannen, listen-

One sec bro. [on phone] What? Oh yeah, hang on. [cups phone] Hey, you got a dad who, like, died of autoerotic asphyxiation or wahtever? Assmo says he says hi. [back on phone] What? Ha! [cups phone] Actually he says [SCREAMS] but Assman speaks scream, so [goes back to phone]…

Fuck.

Okay I gotta run dude. [pause]. Dude! That's my fucking sister dude! [pause] HA! you asshole… Alright… love you too. Bye.

Fuck.

Okay, cool dude. Yo, I need, like, October and November off. We're touring in Europe. Is that cool?

Fuck.