Welcome to your first day at AT&T-Mobilazon! We're excited to have you here. At some three hundred million employees, such excitement is literally palpable: using pesio-electric technology and leather straps, we have literally channelled that excitement into batteries that offset our global footprint by nearly three tenths of a percent!

Your orientation will begin in a few minutes, or however long it takes you to read this welcome letter. Once you are finished, close the reading app and a team of orientation cyborgs will visit you in your live-work-play cube and conduct you to the orientation obstacle course.

The obstacle course has recently received certification approval from the US Bureau of Reasonable Safety and is pending review by the Geneva Confligrate-cum-Convention (a task force which has been repurposed from regulating war crimes to regulating human resource malfeasance). This, you should note, is another example of palpable excitement within our company, with enough energy conserved via pesio-electric leather straps to power Merkun, Kazakhstan, for three continuous months!

The Orientation Obstacle Course Chaperone Cyborgs will hand you off to a team of Pesio-Electric-Leather-Strap androids who will make certain your own straps are well-fitted and produce minimal chafing. Thanks to our merger with Keebler-Johnson&Hewlett-3M, we are able to provide leather-strap chafing cremes if the androids are unable to reduce your chaffing to the recommended minimum. (Please have patience with these droids- their sub-processors are chain-linked to aggressive bit-coin mining when not monitoring leather-strap parameters- the transition from one task to another can sometimes run into delays).

When the droids are sure you are ready, they will hand you off to a swarm of start-gun nanobots, who will give you a countdown, made visible via Glo-Sect technology, purchased (at considerable cost!) from our partners at Paleogooglebook Aeronautics. This countdown will be rendered in the numeral system and visible-spectrum range you selected during your post-interview process. Please be certain not to scream very loudly during this countdown, as the start-gun nanobots have been repurposed from their previous use as Geneva Confligrate-cum-Convention Human Resource Scenario Research Simulators. Screaming makes them a bit jumpy.

At the sound of the start gun, the Orientation Obstacle Course doors will open, and you will begin. An adjunct swarm will accompany you as you dodge obstacles, reconfigure spreadsheets, maneuver foam-bat forests, leap over pits, and submit rogue timesheets. This swarm will monitor your pesio-electric leather straps and provide feedback as to how you can maximize your offset-energy production. Feedback will be in the form of the human voice you indicated on your post-interview forms as most likely to provide a gentle sense of comfortable urgency. Fun fact: three out of ten employees choose “Karen Gilligan” as their feedback voice!

When you have finished the obstacle course, feel free to apply as much additional leather-strap chafing creme as desired. Please deposit all creme-tubes in the appropriate receptacle, as these tubes are decomposted via gamma rays, and the energy captured in this process reduces our annual electric bill by nearly seventeen thousand dollars annually.

From here you are free to wander the AT&T-Mobilazon grounds, a campus covering roughly three-fourths of the area once contained in the pre-war United States of America. Have an adventure! Our campus (now YOUR campus!) was voted “most beautiful” by Pesio-Electric Leather Strap Suppliers Magazine five times in a row. (Fun fact: upon our fifth award, the excitement among employees generated enough electricity to power our 5000-strong bank of reserve pin-ball machines.)

Once-again, Welcome! Now close this reading-app, produce and imbibe a one-time tax-free reliquidated liquid water swallowful, and prepare to enjoy the first day of the rest of AT&T-Mobilazon's life!