1. You are not allowed to touch the microwave for any reason whatsoever, which includes but not limited to: for cooking, to clean it, to repair it, to take it off the wall for repairs, to take it out of the box it was shipped in to the repair facility, to repair it, to repackage it, to unpack it again and re-mount it in the kitchen, or to hide the remote in it. This also applies to rule 4 below.

2. “Touching” shall include any manipulation, purposeful or accidental, that brings anything into contact with the microwave, such as but not only: skin, bone, blood, lymph, tissue, tissues used to cover fingers, toes, or elbows, pot holders, blankets, paper towels, non-paper towels, old bank receipts, and/or anything robotic.

…a. Addendum to Rule 2: “Touching” shall include “feeling” as per its usage in rule 7.

3. You may not look at the microwave, or smell it. Tasting is allowed so long as it doesn't violate rule 1 or 2.

4. You may look at the microwave one time to see where it is so you don't accidentally look at it.

5. Accidentally looking is considered looking, and furthermore considered a violation of rule 3.

6. There is no such thing as accidentally smelling; however, one may describe a smell to someone else and “accidentally” be describing the smell of the microwave. This will be considered proof of having smelled (smelt) the microwave and the smeller will be considered held in contempt of kitchen until they have cleared themself of all charges.

…a. Addendum to rule 6: Proof of not having a sense of smell shall not be considered clearing oneself of charges of illegal smelling.

7. Legally blind individuals who have an affidavit signed by an eye doctor, opthamologist, bifocals salesperson, or duly elected eye representative attesting to their status as a blind person may feel the microwave once to know where not to feel it.

8. Blind individuals who bring in a note that reads, exactly or as paraphrased as: “This idiot thinks this is a doctor's note!” shall nevertheless be considered in full compliance of rule 7.

9. Legally visioned individuals who attempt to invoke rule 7 by pretending to be blind will be considered in contempt of kitchen, if caught (but not if not).

…a. Addendum to rule 9: handwriting on the note as allowed by rule 8 that matches the handwriting of the perpetrator of the malfeasance described in rule 9 is considered sufficient evidence to invoke rule 9.

……i. Addendum to rule 9.a: Addendum to rule a. of rule 9 does not apply to the misuse/abuse of rule 7.

10. Anyone invoking rule 10 shall be considered in contempt of kitchen.

11. Legally blind individuals who bear proof of not having a sense of smell as per Rule 6 addendum a. shall be considered in contempt of kitchen, including “proof” that reads “This idiot thinks they don't have a sense smell!”. Individuals held in contempt for this reason shall be exonerated only by proof of legally visioned status.

12. Proof of legally visioned status includes obtaining high scores in video games.

13. Under no circumstances shall rule 12. be construed as an addendum to rule 11. Construing addendumhood in this fashion can and will be used to prosecute Contempt of Kitchen Cases (CKCs).

14. Written reports attesting to an individual's video game high scores will only be accepted if written in dry-erase on the microwave. This rule overrides rule 2.

15. Oral reports from the obtainer of the video game high score shall be accepted, in any and all languages, regardless of any other individual's ability to understand, recognize, or otherwise even hear (“aurally detect”) said language.

16. Oral reports given in the form of a ventriliquism routine using the microwave as a puppet shall be accepted; however; said routines shall not be protected by the “any and all languages, regardless of any other individual's ability to understand, recognize, or otherwise even hear said language” codicil in rule 15.

17. Codicils to rules shall not be written as addenda, but shall be included, seemelessy, in the referentialed rule.

…a. Referentialed is a word.

……i. Codicils to addendums shall not be written in the addendum but written as sub-addendums.

This is rule 18.

18. One time and one time only these rules may contain a rule that does not bear a reference number, and that rule shall not be referenced in other rules, codicils, addenda sub-addenda, and so forth.

…a. “So-forth” shall refer to all forms of rules which have not yet been named.

19. This, and the next rule, are rule 20.

20. This rule references itself.

21. Individuals who wish to invoke rule 16 must seek a Ventriloquist's License (V'sL). It is not necessary to obtain this license, so long as proof of seeking the V'sL can be provided in the form of a signed affidavit.

22. Blind individuals with no sense of smell are considered, automatically, to have a V'sLs.

…a. Addendum to rule 21: blind individuals who have no sense of smell must, nevertheless, provide proof of seeking V'sLs as described in the codicil of rule 21.

23. Rule 22 addendum a. shall be considered a codicil to rule 22 and thus in violation of rule 17. addendum a. sub addendum i. and therefore is considered to be in contempt of kitchen.

24. Addendum a. to rule 2. Shall be considered a codicil of Rule 1, in violation of rule 17.a.i, and therefore considered in contempt of kitchen, only to be absolved by rule 25.

25. Rule 25 absolves addendum a to rule 2. Such absolution shall be written in dry erase on the microwave.

26. Blind individuals who invoke rule 7 shall nevertheless be considered in violation of rule 1.

27. Rule 27 is considered to be in contempt of kitchen.

28. Blind individuals who have adequately proved not having a sense of smell who attempt to invoke rule 7 and detect with their heightened sense of touch the ink on the microwave placed there in accordance with rule 25 shall be considered in violation of rule 11, especially if they fully comply with rule 11.

29. Individuals who fit the scenario of rule 28. Shall have all of their CKCs adjudicated as one single CKC.

30. Packaged CKCs as described in rule 29 may be bundled with other packaged CKCs and adjudicated as one if all individuals involved provide signed affidavits attesting to their acceptance of rule 18. This includes adjudicators, prosecutors, microwave repair persons, and opthamologists, but not eye doctors (see rule 93.)

31. Rule 93 shall not be written or referenced until after rule 92 has been written and referenced, as per the “Rules for the Creation of Rules” which is to be written in dry erase on the inside of the microwave.

…a. Rules in these rules which are the same as rules in the “Rules for the Creation of Rules” shall be considered removed from the “Rules for the Creation of Rules” in their entirety. Rules not removed in this way shall be considered in contempt of kitchen.

…b. Please do not see rule 51.

32. Rule 31 is to be considered having referenced rule 92, whether rule 92 is written or not.

33. Echolocation is absolutely forbidden. Sentencing as provided by appropriate adjudication of the CKC for violating rule 33 shall not be packaged per rules 29, 30, et. al.) with the additional CKC regarding the violation of rule 2, which echolocation shall also be considered to be.

…a. Individuals who consider “Sentencing” packages to be the same as, akin to, or in any way similar to “CKC” packages (per rule 29, 30, et al) shall be considered in contempt of kitchen.

34. Affidavits providing statements regarding an individual's acceptance of being found (not considered to be) in contempt of kitchen shall be considered in contempt of kitchen unless or especially if written in dry erase on the microwave and signed by a duly recognized eye representative, except in those cases where such affidavit was written on the bottom of the microwave while it was, in violation of rule 1, in transit to or from a repair facility.

35. Affidavits found to be in contempt of kitchen will be erased from the microwave, unless such erasure efforts would violate rule 2.

36. Affidavits not written in dry erase on the microwave do not exist. This rule applies to rules 7, 21, 30 (both uses) and rule 34. This rule does not apply to rule 35; affidavits that violate rule 36 shall be considered to be referencing rule 35 when the associated CKC is adjudicated in a crowded kitchen of more than three individuals.

37. The rules above, except those referenced in any codicils to this rule, shall also apply to “fake” microwaves made out of cardboard and decorated with sharpies. The codicil to this rule, which is this sentence, contains no such references at this time.

…a. Management reserves the right to add addenda to this rule, in violation of “The Codicial Rule,” so long as they rectify this violation by re-writing rule 37, in accordance with the “Rules for the Creation of Rules.”

…b. Management furthermore reserves the right to exist.

…c. Management, whether it exists or not, shall adhere to all rules, except in those cases were rule 37 addendum b is referenced as rule 38 without the appropriate reference to rule 37 rule c.

38. This rule has been referenced by rule 37 c in reference to rule 37 b.

39. Rule 39 is to be considered a “joke” rule to confirm that all concerned individuals have read all of the rules.

40. Reading all of the rules is required. Anyone found to be in contempt of kitchen who has not read all of the rules shall be compelled to read all of the rules. Anyone found in contempt of kitchen who has read all of the rules will be considered, nevertheless, in violation of rule 40, for purposes of enforcing and adjudicating rule 41.

41. Ignorance of the rules shall not be used as proof of innocence.This includes but is not limited to: ignorance due to blindness, inability to smell, illiteracy, mistaken interpretation, failure of understanding due to language differences, or lack of knowledge of rules that have not been yet written. Ignorance due to avoiding violation of rule 33 is only justified in those CKCs where avoiding echolocation prohibits obtaining high scores in video games.

…a. Said justification shall mitigate sentencing when found guilty of contempt of kitchen but shall not mitigate the consideration of contempt of kitchen status.

42. The Codicil Rule. Rule 42 shall be considered “the codicil rule,” as rule 17 has been found guilty of contempt of kitchen, and is hereby sentenced to have sentencing packaged into bundles not per rules 29 and 30 but instead per rule 29 addendum a which will be written once rule 42 resolves.

43. All documents, affidavits, and oral utterances that reference the microwave and/or “fake” cardboard microwaves shall be considered referencing the microwave or “fake” cardboard microwaves despite any misspellings, mispronunciations, misapplied metaphors, wrongful synecdoche, metonymy, allusion, plagiarism, or “plagiarism by coincidence.”

44. Anyone referencing rule 43 (misspelled or otherwise) as “The Leibniz Rule” shall be considered in contempt of kitchen, and will have all microwave privileges revoked, including but not limited to: all interactions with the microwave not in violation of these rules, the right to legal defense, the right to representation by a duly elected eye representative, the right to the use of any numerical affectation in referencing high scores in video games, and the right to tasting the microwave (re: rule 3).

45. Reading the rules in reverse order is strictly prohibited,

46. These rules also apply to the refrigerator.

…a. These rules as applied to the refrigerator are considered “decriminalized” and are not subject to enforcement.

……i. Any individual caught attempting to enforce rule 46. a. shall not be considered in violation of rule 46. a. i.

……ii. Individuals caught attempting to enforce rule 46.a.ii. shall be considered in violation of rule 46.a.ii.

…b. The refrigerator can and will be found in contempt of kitchen.

……i. Management is excluded from enforcement of acts of so-called “contempt of refrigerator.”

47. Cover all foods when using the microwave.

48. Cover all foods when using the refrigerator.

49. Cover all foods when not using the microwave or the refrigerator i.e. when using the dishwasher.

50. Management is no longer accepting request for a new coffee maker. Coffee has been found in contempt of rule 46 in accordance with adjudication via rule 41. The “old” coffee maker is to be used until further notice, which will not be provided.

51. This is a place holder for rule 93 and individuals reading this rule will be held in contempt of kitchen, per rule 31.b.