At the reception desk, hand the receptionist your code card. The receptionist will enter your code into a database to determine which door to take. This is a somewhat time-consuming task, as it is recorded in our proprietary block chain. Feel free to use the restroom while you wait, or log into our portal and read our history. The wifi password is HotLavaPitofDeath.

One of the three doors will eventually open. Proceed through this door. If, as you approach the door, you see what appears to be a hot lava pit of death, this is an illusion. Please proceed.

The following directions apply if you pass through the door and see green carpeting. This will be an unmistakable green, and will not be olive, chartreuse, or some variation. It may be kelly, forest, or emerald green. This will depend on your own interpretation and nomenclature preferences. Suffice it to say the carpeting will not be red. If the carpeting appears to be blue (including baby, sky, cornflower, periwinkle, deep, midnight, or navy, but NOT sea, teal, cyan, or 'greenish-') please notify the receptionist. If the door has shut behind you, you may notify the receptionist by shouting incessantly, or screaming. It is advised you do this before the carpeting gives way to a hot lava pit of death.

Proceed down the corridor. You will pass closed doors. You will come to a turn. Then another, and then more closed doors. Do not open these doors. You may, at your discretion, try to open the doors, but if you find one unlocked, do not open it. These rooms are entirely empty and more than one person has, in the past, become inexorably lost in one of these rooms or another.

You will eventually come to a corridor crossing. Continue forward, and do so again past the next three crossings. At the fifth crossing, make a left. This will put you in a corridor with a red stripe in the carpeting. Follow the stripe. It will take you past more crossings, and will guide you along right turns and left turns.

The red stripe will end at a crossing. Look down the three corridors until you find the corridor with a yellow stripe on the wall. Follow this stripe until you have made two right turns. You will not make these turns before passing several more crossings. Just remember to follow the yellow stripe. If you pass any open doors, ignore the hot lava pits of death behind them. They are not illusions, but are harmless if you do not fall into them.

At this point you should come to a door. If you do not see a door, retrace your steps and yell for the receptionist. Try different languages, as we are an equal opportunity employer.

If you do come to a door, congratulations! Open this door and proceed “outside.” This is actually a massive corridor with a very high ceiling painted to look like the sky. The floor will be made of a near-perfect grass substitute. Any cattle you see are real. The cattle are test subjects, used to assess the veracity of the ceiling and floor. You may ignore most of them.

Look for what appears to be an unrealistic cow. Near this cow there should be a door. If you cannot find the cow, you may ask the other cattle, if you speak cow. If you do not speak cow, it is advised that you do not speak to the cattle, as they may misinterpret what you say as offensive. The cattle are harmless, but if they become offended it can unduly influence the veracity assessment, as offended cattle are known to be less discerning than normal, calm cows.

Once you find the unrealistic cow, open the nearby door and proceed. The carpeting may be one of a variety of colors, and there may be one or several different colored stripes on the wall. You can ignore these. The corridor you are in should feature a variety of water fountains. Feel free to use the ones that work. None of them any longer shoot out hot lava into a pit of death.

After you have slaked any thirst you are experiencing, walk along the corridor. You may hear the sounds of construction. These are workers, hard at work building new corridors and pits. Do not be alarmed if you do not hear anything. You may be slightly alarmed if you do not smell sawdust, at your discretion.

The corridor will come to a dead end. Look up for a pull-string, which, when pulled, will lower a narrow staircase. Do not go up this staircase. This staircase is for authorized personnel only. If you happen to be authorized personnel, please go up the staircase, and continue with the instructions in your “authorized personnel” packet.

Walk back along the corridor, until you see a door on your right. You will have already seen this same door, on your left, but you will have ignored it as it was not mentioned in these instructions previous to now. Open the door, enter the meeting room, and find a seat. If no seats are available, stand against one wall. If the room is too full to enter, wait in the hall. Check the room periodically until you find it emptied, then enter and take a seat.

Remain seated or standing until the room is so full that no one else can enter. You will know this is the case when someone opens the door, peers in, but does not enter. Once this occurs, walk toward the curtain opposite the door. Behind the curtain is a hot lava pit of death. Do not jump into this hot lava pit of death, as it is for authorized personnel only. Use the rope swing to reach the other side. You may wish to shout something to encourage yourself.

When you have arrived on the other side of the hot lava pit of death, go through the door. You will find yourself once more in the reception area. The receptionist will hand you an “authorized personnel” packet. Inside you will find instructions and a new code card. Carefully read the instructions inside, and when you are ready, give the receptionist the code card.

One of the doors will open once more, and the same instructions as above apply.