Aries: Thoroughness and dedication to detail is what will get you through trying times this week, Aries. For example, be sure to see just how much you have left on your insurance deductible, and if you're even covered for when Xng'th'jlk-frt paralyzes you with his death vision and then emits a soul-scream that literally melts your skin off your bones.

Taurus: This would be a good week to brush up on your animal impressions. Chicken, for example. Because they say human flesh tastes like chicken, Taurus. You might as well sound like one too.

Gemini: A sharp knife and a dull spoon may not be two sides of the same coin, but the masked madman wearing your mother's skin as a suit, Gemini, can't kill you with a coin.

Cancer: You fought the gigantic behemoth from beneath the seas. The one that absorbed nuclear radiation from test missiles and grew to over two hundred feet tall. And you won! You lost an eye and a hand and your genitals, but you won! But you know what's ironic about your astrology sign, Cancer?

Leo: You get what you pay for so you might want to go ahead and buy the more expensive sneakers, because if you think being chased by a pack of rabid dogs is scary, Leo, just wait until you get chased by a pack of rabid five-year-olds..

Virgo: The neat freak in you is gonna go bananas this week, Virgo, when dark ichor, dripping, drooling from the fetid, foaming maw of a tentacled hellbeast, is splattered all over your kitchen floor, right before you're eaten alive.

Libra: Don't settle for less than you're worth. Don't compromise, Libra. Make sure they use American-made 100% all-steel staples, and not that cheap stuff from China when the pain worshippers staple you to their sacrificial altar.

Scorpio: People who have sex in horror films usually wind up on the business end of a teen-ka-bob. But not you, Scorpio. You'll live. Your arms and legs will be chopped off, the rest of you carried around in a bloody sack. But alive.

Sagittarius: Remember that part in Tremors (starring Kevin Bacon) when the gigantic worm thing burst up from beneath the ground and ate that dude? No? Well, Sagittarius, you'll get a reminder pretty soon.

Capricorn: I'm going to kill you.

Aquarius: There's good news and bad news. The good news is you're finally going to get to see what your intestines look like, Aquarius. That's also the bad news.

Pisces: They say possession is nine tenths of the law. Which is why it won't work when you sue the Catholc Church, Pisces, for botching your exorcism and allowing Bethzebenax to make you vomit so hard you barf a half-digested chicken bone through your mother's eye.