Reminds me of the time Desmond Tutu wore a tutu to tango and solo-tangoe'd twenty-two times. I believe it was for charity. He raised one dollar and ninety-nine cents, which is a shame. A man of such renown should be able to raise more money by name recognition alone.

I suppose it depends on the cause. “Hello. I am Desmond Tutu. I was the Bishop of Johannesburg from 1985 to 1986 and then the Archbishop of Cape Town from 1986 to 1996, in both cases being the first black African to hold the position. Theologically, I sought to fuse ideas from black theology with African theology, according to my Wikipedia Page.

“I come to you today to raise awareness about Desmond Tutu, a Solomon Islands footballer who plays as a goalkeeper for the Henderson Eels in the Telekom S-League and the Solomon Islands national football team, according to his wikipedia page. D22, as I like to refer to him, suffers from an egregious lack of serendipity, to whit: his jersey is One. You have heard me correctly. Not Twenty Two. They tell me this is because he is the goalkeeper, a position always designated with jersey number one.

“Rather arbitrary, don't you think? Look, I fought apartheid. Dedicated most of my life to it. And me, a man of God! (Fine, a “so-called” man of god. Jesus Christ, you literal-minded PC fucks. Have to cater to the god-damned atheists, don't we, just to raise a few bucks. Fuck me.) If anyone appreciates the arbitrariness of hierarchy, it should be someone who vouches for and benefits from the Catholic Church. Nevertheless, I fought against the arbitrary hierarchies of race in white-dominated society. Seems that deciding tht goalkeepers always have to wear number one is a bit arbitrary. Just a bit.

“It's not as if the number, in and of itself, as a linguistic unit, has anything whatsoever to do with the position of goalkeeper. “There's only one goalkeeper per team” you say? Then explain to me why Joses Nawo is number fifteen. Whatever position HE plays, I promise you, there are not fifteen of them. Only 11 lads on the pitch at a time, right? Or lasses, yes. My fight against apartheid, spiritually, pun sort-of-intended, re: man of god and all that, was against all of the isms: racism, sexism, homophobia. Then again, as a Catholic, sexism and homophobia are kind of built-in. Sorry about that. Let's not get distracted here.

“The point is, Desmond Tutu should have number twenty-two. Blame society, blame convention, blame the Telekom S-League, commonly known as just the Solomon Islands S-League or more simply the S-League for sponsorship reasons, the semi professional league and the top division of the Solomon Islands Football Federation (according to their Wikipedia page). Blame his parents, if you want. They named him after me. The, ostensibly, raised him. They saw him develop as a footballer, saw him grow his talent as a goalkeeper. If nothing else, they should have nipped that shit in the bud right there. Should have found and stalked and gone total Tonya Harding on Fred Bala.

“Who's Fred Bala? Don't be stupid. He's the Eels twenty two. Try to keep up, sheeple.

So here we are today, in this stadium, you in the stands and myself on the stage. You with your popcorn and your big foam “We're number one” hand-things, waving them around, and let me tell you, as a man with of erudition and wisdom, and patience, and the kind of thick skin necessary for fighting against peckerwood government entrenchment, even I am getting a little tired of it all. For crying out loud, people: we're here today to raise money, and yes, awareness, about the fact that Desmond Tutu does not wear number 22, and y'all… WAIVING AROUND NUMBER ONE WHEN THAT'S HIS NUMBER NOW AND HE SHOULD NOT HAVE IT.

No wonder I retired from all of this crap. Anyway. I'm wearing this tutu. I'm about to do a tango. And later, R2D2 is gonna come out here and bleep and bloop at y'all. And some of you will get it. Some of you will recognize the two 2s in the bot's name and the D. And some of you self-righteous assholes will get all uppity and say things like “But what about the R?” I know your type. You come across as intelligent and shit and at parties you impress that one chick who thinks because she wants to bang smart guys that makes her smart too but the truth is she was already smart and she's just insecure because her father left her mother when she was just a little girl and now she seeks acceptance in men just like every stereotype you've ever heard but she is smart enough to know it's a cliche so she sublimates that in what she thinks is valuing intelligence, the awful irony being of course that she IS intelligent and that's why she's a slut. You fuck sluts, you cocky little prick. You're a slut yourself. Probably for the same reason, come to think of it.

And I could say something here about how there's no such thing as sluts and that owning one's own sexuality is to be admired not lambasted but I'm catholic, don't forget. Cut me some god-damned slack.