Hello Ted.

Oh. Hello.

And how has your day been?

What- uh- what's going on?

Well, somebody forgot to load the dishwasher this morning.

Alice.

Well, what do you want me to do? You promised.

Alice, I'm sort of busy right now.

Busy? The kids are driving me crazy and you're busy.

Alice.

That's just great.

No, Dave, they're with the McGuffin File.

Will you pay attention please?

Look, I need to go, the boss is having a problem and-

Do you know what Stevie said to me, this morning?

No.

He said, "Poop." Just like that.

Alice, I need to-

I don't know what he's learning at that school, but I don't like it.

I'll have a talk with him, okay? Is that what you want?

Ted, he's only five years old.

I know. No, the McGuffin File, that one's McGillicutty.

Not that you'd notice, working all the time.

It's the red folder, Dave, not the blue- hang on- Alice?

Yes. I'm here. Raising your children.

Alice, I really need to go. Can I call you back?

Hah! That'll be the day. Jennifer has head lice.

How did she get head lice?

I think she did it just to upset me.

That makes sense. She's seven.

Sure, take her side.

Side? She seven!

Oh, so now you want to talk? What about McGillingham?

It's McGuffin, and you're right, thank you. I'll call you back at one.

And what am I supposed to do till one? Iron your shirts? Raise your children?

I have to go now, Alice.

I mean, it's not as if I enjoy loading the dishwasher every single day.

I'm hanging up the phone now, Alice.

Just once, just once you could maybe load the dishwasher after I cook your dinner.

I'm going now, Alice.

Ted, when are you getting a raise?

What?

When are you going to get a raise? We need the money, Ted.

What? No we d- don't ask m- what are talking about?

I can't take this anymore, Ted, I'm putting the kids in daycare for the summer.

What?

I didn't realize how much I need them away from seven hours everyday, I need time so I can Iron your shirts and wash your dishes.

What? you just- you just said that they were learning bad things in school? Didn't you?

It's not my fault if you can't help around here. I'm putting them in daycare, Ted. I am.

Give me a minute Dave. Look, you're not putting the kids in daycare.

Ask him for a raise.

What? Look, I'll call you back.

Ask him. Right now.

No! What's the matter with you?

Tom Sanders just bough Judy a new car!

So?

So I'm tired of walking into your filthy kitchen after I cook you a meal all day just to put your damn dishes in the dishwasher.

Alice!

Oh, good, your remember my name. Do you remember your two children as well?

Alright, that's enough, Alice. I'm calling you back at one.

Don't bother, Ted. Why don't you go call your girlfriend.

My what?

Don't play dumb, Mr. Man. I saw that woman who drove you home last week.

Martha? In the car pool? She's a hundred years old!

Maybe she is. Maybe she has learned a trick or too. But she doesn't iron your shirts, Ted, she doesn't discipline your children when you're not there to do it like you should.

Al-

Honestly, Ted, he said poop and then he laughed! Do you think he's been molested at that school?

I think-

They're everywhere, Ted, perverts, they're even in the Catholic church!

Hold on-

And your daughter, the way she carries on and plays with the hem of her skirt, teasing them-

She's seven damn years old!

Don't you speak to me that way! Don't you dare! You'll sleep on the couch for a month!

Alice, please. Stop for a minute.

Stop what?

Calm down.

I'm calm!

Calm. Down.

Don't you dare patronize me, Theodore Stephen Arbuckle. I'm not your little puppy dog.

I know, I know you're not. Okay? I'm sorry I forgot to load the dishwasher. Okay?

Are you going to ask for that raise?

Alice! Goddamnit! I'm hanging up right now.

Raising your voice! No wonder my son has such a foul mouth, you ogre! You beast! I'm putting them in day care, to heck with you, Mr. Man, sleep with your young monkey, go ahead, I'm putting them in the daycare! I am! And if we run out of money it's not my fault.

Shut up Dave, I'll get there when I get there. Alice, I want you to go the medicine chest, I want you to get the Valium, I want you to-

Honestly, Ted, you are such a spineless little-

I want you to lie down for one hour

You are spineless man with beady eyes and halitosis.

Will you do that, please? Will you take the Valium, please?

I hate you, Ted, and I hate your stupid children

Take a nap, Alice, right now.

You disgust me.

Alice.

What.

I'll put the dishes in the dishwasher when I get home.

Fine.

Just a minute, Dave, damnit. Alice.

What.

Call Mitchell Handy, they're daughter had head-lice last tear, maybe they have some of that shampoo left.

I lied, Ted, I'm sorry, I had to, you weren't paying attention to me.

Alice.

Theodore.

Did Stevie really say "poop?"

Don't start with me Ted.

Fffffffffffgrrrrrrnnnnnn.

Ted?

I really. Must. Go.

Fine.

Goodbye, Alice.

Enjoy your cold soup and lettuce sandwich for dinner.

Alice.

Don't Alice me. I know who I am. I'm the idiot who married an Arbuckle and bore him two children.

I'm hanging up now, Dave.

And you better not tell Mr. Dave about our problems.

Don't worry, no one knows about our problems.

Problems? Now we have problems?

You said it, not me!

You're the only one with problems. You are the problem.

Oh god.

Why can't you ask for that raise?

God, please.

Just ask, please? I don't care what they say, please just ask?

God.

If you ask, I promise to where that pink nightie we got in Niagara on our honeymoon?

Jesus.

Please, Teddy, don't say Jesus. I'll have mother watch the kids tonight, okay?

Sure.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Sure.

Ted? Don't you love me anymore?

Sure.

Okay. I'll see you when you get home, sweetie.

Sure.

Are you still going to call me at one?

Sure.

Okay, I love you.

Sure.

Bye.

Bye.