But I'm not talking about great big Luther or Wanda, I'm talking about Ted. Ted the werewolf. Like I said, he's pretty cool about it, uses Nair once a month, get's his forehead waxed and all that. But he's this short little timid guy who always makes silly jokes. Like the time we were talking in class about Dickens. Dickens was that English dude that, like, serialized all of his books. And of course, Ted had to make a joke about Frosted Flakes or Honey Nut Cheerios or something gay like that. The nerdy girls in class laughed, of course, because they all worship Ted. That would be cool if those girls didn't have zits all over till Tuesday and great big butts. It's like I always want to tell them, hey, nerdy chicks, get some aerobics tapes and some clearisil, You could be babalicious like Wanda! But I never tell them that, cause they'd look down at me over the tops of their glasses.

You know what nerdy chicks like? When a nerdy boy cusses in front of them. It's true. Ted can cuss up a blue streak, especially when there's a full-moon coming. He lets the curses just roar and at first I think the nerdy girls laughed at him out of nervousness cause they could, like, smell his canine pheromones on the wind or something. Girls are always attuned to that shit. But then they started to giggle in a relaxed way when the teacher would say, "As you know, Oscar Wilde was persecuted for his homosexuality," and Ted would say, under his breath, "Well fuck me." and the nerdy girls would just giggle! It's not like Ted had to whisper it, Mr. Lycan our teacher was deaf as a mule and twice as ugly. I mean, if Luther had said it, Well Fuck Me, in his great big booming voice that always makes Wanda wriggle on her seat when he answers a question (believe me, I watch), no way Mr. Lycan would even hear it. I think Ted whispers just to make the nerdy girls giggle- like if he said it out loud, they would be scared like before, like he was going to lose it, freak out and go into wolf mode right there.

You know what Ted is? He's not a werewolf, he's a were-chihuahua. I'm serious. I mean, technically he's a werewolf? But when he wolfs-out, he's still a little timid guy cracking jokes- just with hair all over his body and great big motherfucking saliva dripping fangs. Like I said, Luther should be the werewolf. If he wasn't what he already is.

Okay, here's what happened. We're in class, and everything is normal. The moon has been half-full, so Ted is a little bit antsy, but it's daytime, right, and he can control things okay. He's cracking jokes and Mr. Lycan is preaching about Thomas Hardy or some dead white guy like that, the nerdy girls are giggling, Luther is being quite, Wanda is gazing at Luther, and I'm gazing at Wanda. Maybe I'm a slime ball, but her ass!

Anyway, There we are, it's all cool and everything, and then the door flies open. We're in one of those annexes, you know, so all the Midwestern October wind and rain and doom and gloom comes rushing in, and Mr. Lycan says, get that please Luther, even though he's way on the other side of the room, and Mr. Lycan just keeps on truckin' about Tess and her Dubers while Luther lumbers across the room and Wanda wriggles and Ted makes a crack about she must got a lot of Dubers; she's in Dubersville.

Well, just as Luther is about to close the door there this bitching crack of lightning, I mean I can almost see through Luther's skin at his bones, and a huge crash of thunder, big-ass BLAMEROONEY right, and Mr. Lovecraft our principal comes in.

Talk about your shit fest, pardon my French. All the girls are screaming at the thunder, and it's like they've got no lungs left to scream at Mr. Lovecraft, who just appeared out of, like, nowhere, so it's like the boys have to do the screaming for them. And Mr. Lycan, God love him, just keeps on hollering like Jonathan Edwards at the pulpit. And Luther just standing there like a lummox.

"Excuse, me, Mr. Lycan, for interrupting," Mr. Lovecraft says in his greasy-oily but somehow deep voice. Imagine James Earl Jones possessed by wasps.

"Stained my jockies." Ted says.

Nerdy girls giggle.

"I was just reminding all the- what did you say?" Mr. Lovecraft says, whirling around to look at Ted.

"Nothing!" Ted says, but he can't help it. I guess he thinks everybody with a degree in education is part deaf. "Ya foockin eedjit."

Giggles give him away.

"Young man! Stand up at once!" Mr. Lovecraft, I swear to God, is actually turning purple.

And Luther is just standing there, watching.

So Ted sort of stands up, sheepishly, fidgeting. I can tell he's embarrassed and a little scared because hair is starting to come out of his ears.

"What did you just call me?"

Ted doesn't say nothin.'

"Answer me! What did you say?"

I don't know, maybe it's the guy's voice. It was really weirding me out. But Ted is a nervous little were-chihuahua anyway, and I can see his jaw starting to grow a little, and his nails get a little bit longer.

"Nothin." he says around a mouthful of teeth.

"Do you think you can just disrespect me! Boy! I'm the principal!"

Luther is just standing there.

"No shir," Ted is really starting to shake and there's hair starting to come out of the back of his pants.

But this seems to just make Mr. Lovecraft even madder. I swear on Wanda's luscious bod that the man is turning purple and orange and brown and this weird green color that makes me think of vomiting pigeons. "Speak up, you little worm! How dare you talk to me that way!"

"Ssssss. Shaaaw. Shaaaw. Reee." Ted is almost on the edge of a full-blown wolf-out. His speech is usually the first to go.

"You'll have to be punished, you little welp!" And it's like I've always wondered, did Mr. Lovecraft even know that Ted was a werewolf? I mean, is that what the welp comment was about? Was he trying to provoke him?

Because that's when Ted lost it. POW! His clothes burst off of him, he's hairy like a yak, his snout is dripping blood from the transformation, and he's go his fangs bared. I mean, I've seen Ted wolf-out about a thousand times, I've seen him attack sheep and great danes and taxi drivers. But this time, even I was scared.

Ted leapt at Mr. Lovecraft, who jumped to the side. But we could see where Ted had got him with his claws- a good one right along Lovecraft's cheek.

Luther just stood there, of course.

All the girls are freaking out, Mr. Lycan is backing into a corner, holding Tess of the Dubervilles in front of him like some kind of shield. Mr. Lovecraft fingers his wound, and then- totally gross-out city! -he just reaches up, and rips his own head off!

His clothes and his skin slide off his body, revealing this slimy hairy bulbous insect thing with about a million feelers and great big ass-killing mandibles. The dude would have been righteously bitchin' if I wasn't shitting my drawers at the time.

Even Ted freaks. Usually when he's in wolf-mode he's braver than a green beret on crack, even though he's still a little chihuahua shit. But this time, even his tail goes between his legs.

"Xrcfttgtdxcrjkklddp!" Mr. Lovecraft shouts, leaping at Ted.

And then, no way! Luther steps in and grabs Mr. Lovecraft by his thorax. He holds him up above his head, pressing him against the ceiling. And Mr. Lovecraft is thrashing, really kicking the shit out of the plaster, there's enough asbestos raining down to give cancer to all of Africa. I'm watching Ted, his eyes are getting wide, there's this sort of half-smile on his face, like this is the one time he's going stop being the strong-silent type and just be the strong-kick-your-ass type, and then he opens his mouth, and breaths fire all over Mr. Lovecraft!

I swear to god! Actual flames! He toasts that bad boy, roasts his bug ass up but good! Huge orange flames just pouring out, till Mr. Lovecraft is a crispy blackened little critter in Luther's fist.

The classroom is silent. Ted's fangs and nails and hair are slowly receding. Mr. Lycan has his Tess down, and is just looking at Luther. Wanda is about to to burst out of her brassier, she's so turned on.

Luther sort of shrugs, and grins in an embarrassed way, then tosses Mr. Lovecraft's toasty carcass out the door, shutting the door firmly so the wind won't rip it open.

Luther sits down, and Ted gets up and sits down, and Mr. Lycan sort of blinks for a while, and says. "Um, yes. Allright. Tess. Uhh. Now, when Thomas Hardy was conceptualizing the idea for his heroine."

Ted leaned over to me, and whispered "Goddamn! Smells like a burnt oven in here. Tell Luther to use some fuckin' Raid next time."

Of course, all the nerdy girls giggled.