Sociologists met last week in Las Vegas for a three day conference on "The Changing Shapes of Social Orders." Tensions were already high due to a conflagration in the Pareto room, which some said were started by the anti-Marshalists. The final straw, however, came during the last panel of the conference, a discussion titled: "Henry VIII: Serial Killer or Reality TV Precursor?"

During the panel, evidence was presented by both sides, turning what was intended to be a capstone debate on the ways in which society bends an understanding of events to fit its own world identity into a series of one-upsmanships. "Killerists" began with a document recovered from the King's Library, a collection of poetry Henry is said to have written for himself, which contained the following lines:

Dost thou wishest I loved thee/My decent is rapid though I am lofty/Tellest me thou thine veracity/Thou mayest be amorous though thine dance perversity/Helter skelter/Helter skelter

This was followed by a "Realityist" professor of hagiosociology at the University of Montana, Benedict Adso, producing a scrap of diary that a palace page kept, wherein he allegedly recorded conversations the king had with one of his many erstwhile wives:

"And what, my darling, does thou thinkest of the Catholics?
"To be sure my lord, I dost not know. Perhaps I could asketh a friend?"
"Nay, thou hast already asked a friend on a previous question."
"Then perhaps this court could vouchsafe to proffer their opinions, and I might choose?"
"Nay, again I say, you have used such recourse before."
"Alas me. Then, I shall have to say, I do like the Catholics."
"Is this your final answer?"
"Indeed my liege, it is."
"OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

When Killerist and professor of Macrobiosociology at the University of Vancouver, Michael Sladesly, pointed out that this was more of an air of "Game-Show" then a Reality Show, a fierce debate on semantics ensued, resulting, finally, in Adso pinning Sladesly to the conference room floor in a classic Oklahoma Slam to Fisherman's Suplex, which Las Vegas hasn’t seen since '98, when Hardcore Holly defeated Victoria "Twin Missiles" Sampras at the "Pitch a Bitch" middleweight qualifier.

Unfortunately, Neil Overunder, the Nevada commissioner of off-license gambling, happened to be attendance, being a life-time amateur sociologist enthusiast. His demands—that all who profited from betting on the Adso-Sladesly bout should document their winnings with the Nevada board and pay the appropriate taxes—resulted in loudly vocalized rounds of dissent. Shouts of "ungraduated taxes are antithetical to Marxist socioeconomic theories!" were met with "Take it back to Jew-York, Chomskinarian!" Shoving matches evolved into fist fights, which quickly became a brawl, and the free-for-all spilled into the next room, where participants in a post-mortem on the oeuvre of director Elia Kazan where quick to join the fray.

It was 30 minutes before riot police descended on the bloody and often hair-pieced crowd. Some 20 various professors and adjuncts were injured, with the most serious being a guest lecturer on "Sociomusicology and the Phenomena of Rap Culture," who is now recovering after having the notes for his speech removed from his rectum.

No arrests were made.