|
I am fine. That is all. I am like silk, not at all bumpy. I'm not tweed. Neither am I chamois. Burlap is right out. I am nylon. I am rayon. No, a tutor I once knew named Ray is rayon, and I am crayon. No, Mel's boat is The Crayon, and I am neon. No, Mel's boat is The Crayola, and neon is a noble gas. I am not argon, xenon, or tarragon. I am Xena, warrior princess. No, Lucy Lawless is Xena, and I am Zema, warrior beverage. No, I am llama's wool. No, I am paprika. No, paprika is a red powder. I am a blue powder. I am a fine blue eye shadow, like one might find on Sarah Michelle Gellar. I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, I am Angel. No, I am Courtney Love. I am Hole. No, I am the hole in Courtney Love's underpants. No, I am all three holes. I am the number three. No, I am all the triangular numbers. I am also eleven. I am that extra little bit. No, I'm not quite enough. No, I'm just right. I'm the porridge Goldilocks chose. I am the baby bear's bed and his rocking chair. No, that is a fairy tale. I am fairly tall. No, that is Wilt Chamberlain. I am Larry Bird. I am very good at what I do but horrible for selling cologne. I coach men's basketball. No, I coach women's rugby. No, I was on a couch with a rugby woman. Her name was Samantha. No, she made me read Siddhartha. That's another name for Buddha. More than one Buddha is Buddha-Buddha. More than one of those is Buddha-Buddha-Buddha-Buddha-Buddha-Buddha. If I were to walk in on someone counting the Buddha's, they would say, "Buddha-Buddha-Buddha-Buddha-Buddha-Buddha, hello Bukk." No, that was Twiggy. He carried Dr. Cosmopolitan. No, Cosmopolitan is a drink I've never had; Twiggy carried Dr. Theophilous. That's Greek for God Lovin'. Not Twiggy, Theophilous. Twiggy is Greek for Mel Blanc. No, Mel Blanc spoke Greek. No, Mel Black did the voice of Twiggy. He died. I died. No, that was the guy who did the voice of Bugs Bunny. I didn't die. I am immortal. I am Liono, lord of the Thunder Cats. No, that was Mel Blanc. No, that was Sarah Michelle Gellar. No, Sarah Michelle Geller was Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in Star Wars. I was Harrison Ford as Mark Hamil. No, I was the wookie. No, I was six wookies. I was wookie-wookie-wookie-wookie-wookie-wookie, hello Bukk. No, that was Mel Blanc if I walked into a room and he was trying to tell someone what Chewbacca was and the other person kept saying "woakie?" and Mel was getting real mad and saying it over an over again. Mel is short for Melissa. But not Mel Blanc. Melissa is pierced. I'm not her underpants. She doesn't really have a boat, that's fiction. Fiction is make believe. Sometimes I make believe I'm her underpants, sitting in a drawer, watching Mary Tyler Moore and eating s'mores and eating more until I'm sore. Or I don't. Mel's nice though. So's Mel. I met Mel Blanc. No, that was my cousin Lewis. He met Mel Blanc. I met Cher. No, I arm-wrestled Cher. No, I had a tug of war with Cher. No, I had a tug of war with cyclops, thinking about Cher. Not, Cher, that other singer with only once name. Madonna. No, Brittney Spears. I am Brittney Spears. No, I'm her shoes. I'm cute. I'm blue like suede is blue if it's blue suede. Don't step on me! Step on me. I'm Graceland. No, yes. I'm Memphis Tennesee. No, I read a play by Tennesee Williams called The Glass Menage A Trois, The Glass Men At Work, The Glass Memphis Tea, Texas Tea, Black Gold, Bubbling Crude... It was called Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar playing Kathleen Turner as Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire. Named Loverboy. Named Billy Wilder. Named Something Canadian. I was the drummer. No, that Was Michael Stipe. His head is shaped like a peanut. No, a pea. No, the letter P. No, Friends of P. Damnit, what was the question? How am I doing? I'm fine. What am I doing? Nothing much. Schools out.
|