Look, down underneath the stair, where the elves live, except don’t call them elves call them elfs, they hate to be called elves, makes them mad, and be careful around them, dangerous little bastards, be careful and don’t even say shelves, like if you see that one of them has broken all the shelves, don’t say “somebody broke all the shelves,” or they may come and attack you, instead, say, “that shelf is broken! And so is that one! And that one too! All of them? Yes! Each shelf is broken!” And if you have to talk about an autonomous group from the point of view of one member to someone not of the group, do not refer to yourselves our ourselves, not when you’re under the stairs where any elf might hear you. Instead, say “each of us” and “each of you,” which is better anyway. And by the way, don’t use the verb “to delve” in the third person singular, not around those dangerous little miscreants, they can’t stand to hear anything that even rhymes with the otherwise-proper pluralization of elf.

Anyway, down there, where they live, next to the peaches, unless an elf has broken the shelf with the peaches on it, which I wouldn’t put it past them, or one of them, they, one by one, each one, over and over again, they break the shelfiness of that closet, they steal the peaches too, can by can, all the cans of peaches, and they steal the broom, rip it apart, make little elf houses out of the broom bits, which is pointless, since they live in the closet, underneath the stairs, are they afraid it’s going to rain inside the closet, do they need little elf houses? Why can’t they use the leftover peaches cans after they’re done stealing the peaches, that’s what I want to know, but who knows why they do this stuff, not me!

So if there are any peaches left, right next to one of them; I mean, they’re all supposed to be on the third shelf, but sometimes an elf or two will grow a conscious and bring the cans back… conscious, nothing, they just get bored with peaches all the time, I don’t know why they bother bringing the cans back, they just steal them again later anyway when they get bored with the green beans, it’s always in that order, too, they steal the peaches and the broom and then break the broom into bits for their little houses, and eat some peaches, leaving the cans everywhere.

You know, once I even said “who leaves all these cans everywhere” and I guess “leaves” was too close to “elves” because it got very dangerous and not much later there wasn’t a single shelf left intact, I am not lying I swear. You can ask my wife except you can’t on account of the cancer, and my ex wife never went under the stairs she always made me do it.

But after they steal the peaches and leave cans everywhere for a while they get bored, I guess, with peaches so they bring some cans back but they don’t put all of them on the third shelf, some they put on the second shelf, where the green beans are, and then they steal the green beans for a while, and hide the shoe polish, I don’t know why, they never steal any shoe polish, there’s always just as much there when it reappears on the fourth shelf, which is also weird, because they never misplace the shoe polish after they steal it, it’s always back on the fourth shelf.

Because the order goes: nothing on the first shelf because it’s usually broken, peaches on the second shelf, green beans on the third shelf, shoe polish on the fourth shelf, and the dustpan, which they never touch, for the broom, which they always break, I mean, we’ve been though eight brooms this month already, I mean, I didn’t even sweep anything at all with four of them, I don’t know why I bother buying them, something else to get when I’m at the store when I’m buying peaches and green beans and not shoes polish I guess, I don’t know, but the dustpan goes on the fifth shelf.

But after they get tired of the green beans, they go right back to the peaches, I mean I wonder what would happen if I were to put something else in there besides green beans and peaches, like maybe canned pumpkin pie filling, except I really really like canned pumpkin pie filling, I would probably get mad and say “elves,” even, if I saw they had taken a few cans of canned pumpkin pie feeling, I don’t know why, maybe it’s the sage, or the nutmeg?

Who knows, not me, but if you do see some peaches, and they are on the second shelf, not on the third shelf, right there, you’ll see where I would probably end up putting the canned pumpkin pie filling, if I ever bought enough to have to put it in the closet where the elf family lives.

Except, okay, I have a little confession to make, they’re not really elfish at all, but gnomes, little pixies, but everything I said about their plural for elf is true, because the elf is the enemy of the gnome, or the pixie, and they hate to hear about them, I mean it’s okay in the singular, because what could one stinky little peach-eating elf do against a hundred drunken green-bean and canned pumpkin pie eating gnomes? But when you say the plural, all the gnomes I guess are reminded of the time when the army of the elf clan invaded the closet and stole all the peaches and the broken broom bits, and would have, I know, taken the canned pumpkin pie filling if there was any, and none of the gnomes could catch them to do pixie experiments like turning them into donkeys and coat trees.

Oh gnomes love coat trees, if you’re ever really really hungry for peaches but the pixies have magicked all the cans away, because the cans are too big for even eleven gnomes to carry, but there are no cans there, or you forget to look on the second shelf too because I didn’t tell you any of this, and you’ve got the patience to say it and then close the door and wait and have a jelly doughnut and a bologna and cheese sandwich, I know, its spelled bologna but doesn’t sound that way, and it sure doesn’t taste that way, but you don’t have to eat one, it’s just that the time it takes me to eat one us usually about the right length of time I need to wait, I mean, maybe someday you can eat a quiche or heat up a bowl of chili in the microwave, while I eat a jelly doughnut and a bologna sandwich to see what the right amount of time for you is, and then you can say, “gosh but coat trees are just really amazing pieces of furniture,” and then the gnomes will bring back some peaches because they are so happy that you said that.

By the way, the microwave I just mentioned comes with the place, my ex wife gave it to us, me and my new wife, who passed away, but she says it wasn’t a wedding gift because she got it used, so it stays.

But, I was saying that when the elf people invaded the pixies couldn’t capture them to do gnome experiments on them like turning them into coat trees and making their noses very much bigger, because all of the gnomes always wear white and so the elfling hordes could see them easily in the dark. I suppose this is why they take the shoe polish, just in case, and maybe that’s why they build they’re little buildings out of the broken broom bits and the straw, to hide from the elf persons when they attack, but don’t you think they would have enough houses by now?

And why do they bring the shoe polish back sometimes, is it because they know for a fact there will be no elf attack? And why do they think they can do experiments on the people who in refer to their own personages, each one of them, an elf, when everybody knows that an elf is immune to magic? Maybe the head of the gnome people, the queen pixie, maybe she goes on vacations and takes all of the wisdom with her, as well as a few cans of peaches and a can of green beans, or maybe she isn’t going on vacation, although I know she needs it, she works very hard, she has to oversee the magicking of the cans of peaches and the green beans and the breaking of the broom into bits…

You know what they don’t even care what color you buy, I mean, I don’t know if I have bought every color of broom there is, but at the drugstore, which is weird, they are a drugstore why would they sell brooms? Well they do, I have bought all their colors, yellow mostly, but also red and blue and green and I thought an orange one did the trick.

But no a few days later it was broken too; at least I got to sweep up with that one a few times, got to sweep the front steps where the Halflings and the Dwarfish persons play soccerball on Saturdays, except it was a Friday that I had to sweep on because I knew Saturday would be a mad day of shopping for peaches and green beans and not a broom this time and not any cans of canned pumpkin pie filling because I didn’t think of it then and I had to get some material from the hardware store to fix the shelf again because I guess, I don’t know, but maybe when the gnomes magick away the cans they have to counter magic the shelf that the can or cans is or are sitting on and that breaks them.

I wish I had thought of some canned pumpkin pie filling that day they were on sale eight for five dollars, which is a lot, I know, of pie filling, but you have to consider how fast the pixies go through that stuff, but I didn’t, but I didn’t anyway, but the gnome queen of the pixies, maybe she wasn’t on vacation but she was out questing, in search of something besides peaches and green beans and broken broom bits to make houses out of and black shoe polish to disguise them with when the elf army attacks.

Maybe she goes questing and they gnomes have no leadership and they get scared and they resort to their old ways or rather they resort to what they wish had been their old ways because if taking the shoe polish had been their old ways they could have hidden from any elf that happened by and magicked him or her or haf (an elf can be one of three genders) into a coat tree or maybe even an Easter bunny…

Except nobody under the stairs ever heard of Easter.. then again, their magic is amazing. Let’s go look at the bathrooms next.