Dear Police:

Don't bother tracing any of this. This is an anonymous printer and the paper is common and I don't live anywhere near the post box where I mailed this, I didn't even use my own spit for the stamp!

I killed Dexter Davis- it was me. Here's proof- it's not even in the papers yet. I don't think I should go to jail for it, but I thought you should know at least why I did it. I'm a gayfag, you see, and I gave Dexter a kiss at his house. He went on his knees and unzipped my pants and pulled out my cock. Then he laughed and called me a queer and said he was straight. Well I got so mad I threw a glass of water at him. Then I fell asleep on his couch. When I woke up, there was a spider on my chest. I hate spiders. They really freak my shit out. So I ran into Dexter's room and grabbed his sledgehammer and bashed him a good one. I knew he did it because he was sleeping with that smirk he gets and he's not afraid of spiders at all.

Sorry that you can't catch me, but I swear I won't do it again. So there would be no point in jail.

Sincerely,

The Murderer.

Of course, it was all a lie. Dexter was the gayfag, not me, and he didn't put a spider on my chest. I mean, spiders do freak my shit out, that part was the truth, but the reason I killed Dexter was because he was a pure-D A-one asshole. That kind of thing just can't be allowed. So I went into his room like I said and I bashed him on the head. He kicked twice. I think the letter will fool the police, since I'm not really gay and I lied about the spider and everything.

The next day there was an article in the papers about the murder. I guess the police didn't even know Dex was dead until they got my letter! It was in the paper too: MURDERER TAUNTS POLICE. Well, that was uncalled for, I think. I wasn't taunting them. I wasn't daring them to catch me. I was just trying to throw them off the trail a little bit. So I sent them another letter:

Dear Police:

I am not trying to taunt you. I just wanted you to know that Dexter was killed by a sane person who does not go around killing people just for the hell of it. I'm not a serial killer or anything- Dex is the only guy I ever killed (knowingly! Just kidding.) Tell those idiots at the paper that I don't play evil games with authorities- and that I am a gayfag, and that gayfags can be violent too, though I don't wear women's clothing- they got that part right, at least.

Sincerely,

The Murderer.

And you know what? The papers said I taunted them again! They said a psychologist would call my obvious teasing a desperate plea to be caught and stopped. Well, guess what that got them? Two more murders! But I didn't do them, I swear. Another guy named Dexter in the south part of the city, and somebody on the eastside, both of them with sledgehammers.

I decided to write the papers a letter:

Dear Newspaper:

Boy, did you mess up! You said I was taunting the police, and look what your lies got- two dead people, and I didn't even do it. It was copy cats who read your paper. Ha-ha, now you're the murderers. I almost feel like turning myself in, just to show you how wrong you are. But then I'd have to go to jail, and that would suck because there's no reason and I like being able to do my own thing. And if that means killing just one guy because he assaulted me with spiders then that's it, and only one guy: that's what I'm saying. So be careful.

Sincerely,

The Murderer.

Well, the police solved those other two murders real quick, and sure enough, they were by different guys and they said they did it because they read about my letters in the paper. The police caught them because- get this- they wrote letters too, but didn't use an anonymous printer, or a distant post box! Dummies! A guy in the newspaper wrote an editorial, saying that the newspaper wasn't responsible, live wires like these wackos are just looking for an excuse, and would have killed someone someday anyway. In fact, by bringing these loonies out, the man wrote, the paper had done a service because these guys only killed one person each, and not hundreds, and at least it wasn't anybody famous or important that got killed. I thought that part was particularly stupid. Not important? Like it's okay to go around smashing people in the face with sledgehammers as long as they aren't important? I mean, sure, if someone is a pure-D A-one asshole, okay, smash the bastard, but I think who ever wrote that editorial in the paper was pretty stupid. First I wrote the police a letter:

Dear Police:

Congratulations on not going off all half cocked and thinking I killed those other two guys. I don't know anyone else named Dexter, and that's for sure. Frankly, I was surprised there were two in the same city! Anyway, I just want you to know I still have a lot of respect for the police and I am not taunting you in any way, and I'm not trying to get other people to start murdering, unless they do it out of self defense because some asshole puts a spider on them when he know they're so scared of spiders that it freaks out their shit. Okay. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

The (First) Murderer.

Then I wrote another letter to the newspaper:

Dear Newspaper:

I can't believe what you wrote in that editorial. You are such stupid people- someone should kill you! Like you did a service to the city by bringing those wackos out of hiding. Oh please. Next you'll say tornadoes are good and they get rid of the condemned houses for us! What a bunch of morons. Well, I hope you're happy. Quit telling lies and stick to the facts.

Sincerely,

The (Real) Murderer.

Then things got really weird. First of all, a police officer came over to my house and asked me questions about Dexter. I said, which one? Ha-ha. The policeman said my name was in Dexter's phone book and did I know anyone who would want to kill him? I said sure, everyone, because he was a real butthead. I was clever. I didn't call Dex an asshole because that's what I called him in the letter. The policeman seemed really bored and I guess it was a good thing my last name starts with a letter in the back of the alphabet, cause that put me in the back of Dexter's book and maybe I was, like, the thirtieth person the policeman saw. The cop told me everyone thought Dexter was not a nice person, then he said thank you and he left.

The next weird thing was that I read in the paper that one of the guys who copied me was, in fact, a serial killer after all! He had already killed tons of people when he read about my killing and got mad at someone stealing his thunder. So I wrote him a letter:

Dear Serial Killer:

Hey, what's the big idea stealing my MO when you've already got your own? That's not fair and furthermore it got you caught, you big dope. I had a motive, after all- you just kill because you're a sick-o. And I did not steal your thunder. I am not a serial killer- that's your gig. Maybe you'll get some hot-shot lawyer and you'll be found innocent from a technicality- if you do, better not try the Dexter-sledghammer-letter-to-the-police thing again. That's mine. Not that I'm going to do it again. But a man likes to keep what's his. Go back to your own methods.

Sincerely,

The (Real) Murderer.

And the last weird thing that happened was that the newspaper printed my two letters sent to them. They said that the police tried to make them not print them put they had First Amendments rights and that I was threatening their staff and they didn't want to anger me when I obviously just wanted to be famous. If printing this lunatic's letters, they said, can save one life, it's worth it. But then they didn't print the whole thing! They just put in the part where I said somebody ought to kill them! I didn't mean that! I mean, I didn't mean I was going to kill them, I just meant that if someone did, it would be doing everyone the favor of not having to read their crap anymore, that's all. Maybe I should have said someone should fire them. So I wrote them another letter:

Dear Newspaper:

Boy, you guys have really gone too far. First you get those two guys killed, and then you go and print my letters, and say you're doing it to keep from being killed. I wasn't going to kill anybody! And I still won't. But other wackos are going to send you letters, and start killing people when you don't print them. I guess you guys would call all this killing a "service" for the city, though, right? Getting all the loonies to come out and show themselves so the police can cart them all off to jail, right? Here it is in black and white, so we can just forget all this and go about our business: the murder I did was a crime of passion, a one-time thing. I am a gay man who was upset that my affection was responded to with a big old hairy spider. I don't feel sorry for what I did, but I know I will never do it again, and that includes you all, even though you're a bunch of pure-D A-one assholes.

Sincerely,

The (One-Time-Only) Murderer.

Then I thought I'd write a letter to the police, just so they knew everything was cool:

Dear Police:

I am writing this to let you know that if a bunch of people get their faces bashed in with sledgehammers in the next couple of days, I didn't do it. It's that danged newspaper's fault. You ought to throw their sorry butts in jail before more folks get killed because of them. Like I said, Dexter was my only murder ever, past or future. I don't know anyone else who handles spiders, and that's pretty much the only thing that would set me off, so there you go. I am writing this because I have a lot of respect for you guys and I think it's very heroic to put your life on the line to keep our city safe.Thanks to the newspaper, it looks like you'll have to be extra heroic to prevent all the damage they're trying to cause. Well, it's not my fault, and I'm on your side. Like I said before, keep up the good work, and I'm sorry we have such a sucky newspaper in this town.

Sincerely

The (Past, not Future) Murderer.

And you guessed it- more folks got killed. Some of the killers were genuine wackos- one guy even admitted he just did it to be famous. But another guy who killed his wife because she was sleeping around tried to cop an insanity plea- he said he sent letters to the paper and they didn't print them so he had to kill somebody. But the D.A. didn't buy it and the guy got life imprisonment. It got be a real madhouse in this city- you couldn't even walk home at night without wondering if some crazy person was going to pop out of the bushes with a sledgehammer in one hand and pen and paper in the other. I'll be honest with you- I got frightened. I decided it was time to move on. But before I left, I wrote one last letter, and sent it to both the cops and the paper:

Dear Police and Newspaper:

Well, I just can't take it anymore. This town has gotten too violent. There's weirdos everywhere. Not to mention the newspapers sucks eggs. About the only good thing this town has going for it are the cops, but for obvious reasons I can't go to them. So I'm moving far-far away, never to return. Hopefully when I'm gone all this madness will die down and things will go back to normal. All this mess, just from killing one asshole with a sledgehammer. Well, if I didn't know better before, (and I did) then I sure would now. Killing one guy who thinks he's so cool but isn't and instead is a total dickface has steeper repercussions than I had ever imagined. Anyway, I hope things turn out for the best. To the cops- sorry for the inconvenience. To the paper- try to straighten, up, okay?

Sincerely,

The Murderer.