Dodecon's Mythology

Entry for Svmmerfield, Bvtch, demi-mortal

now in convenient phrase format!

at age 57, as he choked on a chicken bone,

his whole life flashing before his eyes as he died,

and in that whole life flash the revelation of every truth in the universe, the name of every insect, the phone number of every priest, the precise speed at which every speed boat has traveled, is traveling, and will travel,

one of these truths being that the god Seemius (see entry on: Seemius) had so created the cosmos that for every gram of Twinkie a man eateth, so shall his life be extended by one minute or sixty seconds,

yea and verily,

and that thanks to the several thousand Twinkies he had consumed in his life time,

including the five boxes he'd snarfed on a crazy binge as an overweight frat-boy distraught over the news that his pert and cute girlfriend had secretly been having sex with a sexy and altogether better human being than Butch himself,

namely an English major who had lured the cute and incredibly nubile sorority girl,

with his intellect and large whatsit,

away from her dizzy and confusing greek lifestyle,

if only for a few intensely satisfying sexual moments that would leave her forever dissatisfied with anybody but English majors,

specifically those who dislike Melville and Joyce but like Berger and Leyner,

sitting in his little frat bedroom,

mooning over her picture,

Twinkie filling and sponge-cake crumbs all over the place,

the weight of which misplaced Twinkie matter would have added about four minutes more to his life,

Butch knew in this moment of realization,

enough time to have finished eating the chicken leg and gone on to the box of Twinkies which he was going to consume as a celebration,

the order of which eating Butch had thought about making Twinkies first and then fried chicken,

Butch's life had been extended by several years,

that he was supposed to have died on his thirty-eighth birthday when his wife, long suspicious of his affairs, shot him in the back with a forty-two,

but owing to the condition of reality which Seemius had imposed on reality such that the Twinkies Butch had consumed pushed the bullet over the bobbing ass of Butch who was at that moment making sweet love to an overweight ex sorority girl who had become pretty much a mere shadow of her former beauty owing to her life degenerating at a rapid pace after breaking up with her boyfriend who was an English major,

but not the same sorority girl or the same English major,

the bullet lodging quietly in the wall,

that is,

quietly compared to the moaning and groaning that both Butch and his mistress were both doing as part and parcel of them each faking their own orgasms because they both knew that if the other person enjoyed it that was good enough,

his wife losing all heart at the sound of the pistol and deciding to take her revenge by sleeping with someone else herself,

An English professor,

great big whatsit included,

and also realized in his sudden knowledge of the whole truth,

including the certain knowledge that he was dying,

that Seemius was mere seconds from rendering another shift in reality such that henceforth all those who's life had been extended significantly by the consumption of Twinkies would live double the extended years,

such that if he had lived just a few seconds longer Butch would have lived until he was 114,

and also anyone who's life was so extended would become sexy and rich and quite good at writing English papers,

the two,

being sexy and writing English papers,

being inexorably intertwined anyway,

and in rage at the failure his life was,

one bite of Twinkie being the difference between life and death,

Butch did smite the ground, yea, and there didst appear in the stone cracks, verily, I say unto ye, brethren, and these cracks didst spell out a mystic message which the Butchelites and the Twinkisees and the Fratanees didst record faithfully, amen, into their most holy righteous and devout books,

and holy wars over who's was most kick-ass didst ensue,

and time did shift all back and forth from the cacophony of their fighting, resulting in waves of dissension in the space-time fabric, resulting in Hostess making a recall on several of their snack cakes because of an alleged dose of asbestos in some lots,

one of which was eaten by Jaso Nedwards (see entry on Nedwards, Jaso),

poet,

giving him super-human abilities,

making him a god,

and immortal.