Breakup Deli
Jason Edwards

(Inspired by: http://www.thesecretknots.com/2009/09/01/coffee-shops-where-couples-go-to-breakup/)

There's a deli in my neighborhood where couples go to break up. They make pretty good sandwiches there. It's a no-nonsense kinda place. You can go in and get half a pound of pastrami or a pound of roast beef sliced really thin, wrapped in butcher's paper and reasonably priced. Not too cheap. The butcher three blocks away sells it for cheaper, but he doesn't have tables and he doesn't make sandwiches. This place, though, you want roast beef on rye with mustard, you got it. No sprouts. None of those sweet peppers. Mustard, one kind, mayo, not fat free, onions, pickles, cheese, that's about it. Wheat, white, rye, kaiser, that's about it. No drinks. You can bring in your own drinks, but people, regulars, figure out pretty quick not to bring in Starbucks. Not that the owner's got anything against Starbucks, as a rule. But closer than Starbucks is a coffee shop and he likes to keep it in the neighborhood. So you show up for ham on white with mustard and onion, and you got Starbucks in your hand because you heard they don't do drinks there, you get your sandwich, but maybe it's a little bit sloppy. Because if you did the research and know that they let you come in with your own drinks, then you shoulda learned about the coffee shop two doors down, too. You come in with one of their cups, the guy behind the counter will be all smiles and wrap your sandwich up real tight and even make a comment about your coffee cup. “Rosie's, huh?” he'll say, and if you say something like, “Best mocha in the neighborhood,” woops, extra dill spear in your to go order. How about that.

Not too many tables. A counter on one wall for loaners. None of them are there to watch couples break up, but a lot of 'em have witnessed it. They go over to Rosie's, get an Italian soda, go to the deli, turkey and bacon with tomato and mayo, sit down at the counter, maybe reading a novel, and they hear the sniffles, maybe a muted outburst, “Greg, what do you mean, is it me?” But it's never too histrionic. That's one of them words. Something about the deli, the same vibe that lets you know you should get your drinks at Rosie's, lets you know not to make a scene if someone's telling you I think we need to see other people.

Once this couple was in there, and this fella, he had an appetite on him. Didn't know the score too well. Asked for a menu. Asked if they had cans of Pepsi. Asked for, and got, two reubens, even though there was no grill and the thousand island was just ketchup and mayo mixed together, which ain't bad, let me tell you, since the sauerkraut is all you really need anyway. So this fella is stuffing his face, and his girl, who, frankly, had traded down, I mean, you knew she was dumping him the minute they walk in, she's all, like, “I think we should see other people, Greg.”

Greg. What kinda name is Greg anyway? Anyway, she says that, and he's chewing, and he's like, “Okay. I know this girl at work who's been sniffing around. But you and me, we can still see each other now and again, right?” And she just rolls her eyes, and she says, “That's not what I mean, Greg, I'm sorry,” and she gets up, and she leaves. And this Greg, or whatever, he's sort of starts choking on his sandwich cause he's crying and eating at the same time, and he didn't have no drink. But he managed.

And I mean it when I say he managed. He's been in a few times since then, with a few different girls, girls more his speed if you get my drift, dumping them in that deli. The student has become the master. He gets a pastrami on rye with kraut and pickles and ketchup mixed with mayo and he tells these women he thinks they should see other people. And you know what, I'm thinking he's just waiting for one of them to think he means see other people in addition to each other, just so he can say “That's not what I mean,” and he can walk out and never come back.

Come to think of it, the pastrami is sometimes a little bit fatty and the roast beef, more than once, has been a bit too salty. I don't really like the place much.