What are you going to do said the other voice in Jed's head which was his own too.

I'm going to get me some apple pie. I'm going to walk right over there to the diner where Doug Fairbanks stopped in for a piece of apple pie about 30 years ago and I'm going to go right in there and I'm going get me a piece just like he did.

Aw, Doug Fairbanks ain't no nevermind, said the voice of Jed's dad.

Aw, sure he is, Dad. He's a famous movie actor and a swashbuckler and he took them drugs and had sex with them women. He's a piece of work, and I aim to eat me some pie.

Well, you go ahead, boy, get you some of that pie. But he didn't do nothing for this town, I can tell you that, didn't even write his name on a napkin so Pax could stick it up on the wall.

Yup, Doug's a cool one. He just waltzed in, ate him some pie, waltzed out, made himself about a millionaire fighting pirates.

You're thinking of Errol Flynn there, Jed.

No I'm not, shut up Dieter.

Yeah, You're a big man, telling me to shut up in your head. I'd like to see you tell me to shut up to my face. Go on, you know where I am, I'm in the barbershop, looking at the girlie magazines, you go on in there and tell me to my face to shut up.

Nope. Gonna get me that pie. Just like Doug.

Listen here, boy, I was three years older than you when you was born, and I'll be three years older than you until the day I die. You hear me? And I'll whup you good if you even think about...

Whap, smack, like Doug Fairbanks Jed punched Dieter in the nose and a right cross to the chin.

You boys stop that fighting, now. Jed's Mom.

Yes ma'am.

But like I was saying, Doug Fairbanks never did nothing for this town. You think he could have made a movie here or something, stimulate industry. Nope. He just come in and eat pie.

Now, Jed. Doug's mom again. You know your father doesn't talk like that.

Sure he does, mom. He hates old Doug Fairbanks.

But what did your father ever know about economics? It's that college you want to go to, isn't it? Well you go on. But your father would never saying anything from a college like 'stimulate industry'

You shouldn't be so hard on Dad, Mom.

Yeah, woman, leave me alone.

Didn't Dad meet Doug Fairbanks?

Yeah, even if he wasn't such a big deal. I met Doug Fairbanks, didn't I? And I said to him, I said, Name's Milroy, Heggemon Milroy, nice to meet you Mr. Fairbanks. I really liked you in that airplane movie.

That was Valentino, Dad.

Shut up Dieter, or I'll give you some of what Jed gave you. So you see what I'm saying? Maybe I would use a word like 'stimulate industry.'

That's two words, Dad.

Whap, crack, like John Wayne Jed's dad punched Dieter in the eye and a good one in the stomach.

Leave him alone, Hedge.

Alright.

Well I don't care, Jed thought. I don't care if he was the solid gold tooth in a dead mule's mouth or the mule himself, I'm getting me some of that pie, and I'm going to eat it, and if any old coot says to me The name's Milroy, I'll just shake his hand like you did, Dad, and act real cool, and maybe offer him a cigarette.

You know your father isn't supposed to smoke, Jed. Doctor said he's only got one good lung left.

That was thirty years ago, mom.

Shut up, Dieter. Whap, slap, Jed's mom gave Dieter another black eye and boxed his ear.

Sorry, mom.

Besides, what's the use of living if you ain't going to enjoy it? That's what I learned from good old Doug Fairbanks.

That's right, I agree with Dad. So I'm going to have me that pie, apple pie, the only kind old Pax knows how to cook, if you ask me.

Amen to that, Jed.

I hear you. Good thing he was out of cherry pie when Doug came to town.

You may be three years younger than me, boy, but you're right about old Pax.

Yes I am.

Doug walked along some more. The sun was one of them dusty old small town suns that movie types try to capture but never do but folks who've never seen a sun like that think they have so when they go into a small town to eat a piece of apple pie on their way someplace bigger they think the town is weird cause the sun ain't right but it's them that ain't right on account of them thinking Hollywood is real cause it ain't.

Yup. Apple pie and maybe a little Cindy, if she's working. This was Jed's other voice again.

Jed's got a girlfriend, Dieter sang in his head.

Jed poked him in the eye, picked him up by his nostrils, and flung him across the street, through the hardware store window. The old men in front shook their heads. Damned fool.

I was courting your mother when I met Doug Fairbanks you know.

Yeah, I know Dad, you told us this story about a million times.

No he has not. What are you talking about, Jed?

Well, if it was true, mom, I bet Dad would have said it about a million times.

Now, when have you ever know you're father to exaggerate? He only ever told you that Doug Fairbanks story once, when you and him went to see that movie up in Belberg.

Yeah, but you don't know about that, do you mom? You was visiting aunt Maydene, she had that test to work for the post office and you was watching Joey and Rolo, remember? Me and Dad went, and he told me how he met a famous actor once, good old Doug Fairbanks, and he had a piece of apple pie with him and a cigarette. And I asked him if he ever told you about it, and—

And I said no, and Jed better not say nothing neither, because I was dating your mother at the time but I was in the diner that day to talk to Cindy's momma.

Mrs. Gerum? Dad? You was sweet on fat Mrs. Gerum?

Jed's dad picked up Dieter by his head, spun him around a few times, and threw him over the back of the bank. He landed with a crash, and one of the tellers came out and looked at him. Damned fool.

Hedge, what do you think I would do to you if I ever found out about you and Delilah?

I didn't know her name was Delilah.

Everybody stopped and looked at Jed. In his head.

And I guess I still don't.

Well, now you know why I hate Doug Fairbanks so much. What if he decided to come back into to town for another piece of Pax's apple pie? What if he was to strike up a conversation with you, Jenny? What if he was to say, well, Mrs. Milroy, looks like you beat out Delilah for old Heggemon after all.

Doug Fairbanks died four years ago. Dieter shouted.

The teller threw Dieter back over the bank into the street. Shut up, you damned fool.

He wouldn't say that. What makes you think I ever cared about you anyway Heggemon?

Delilah, don't say that. You laughed at all my jokes. And boy, if you think I ever told you any of this, you better think again. I can't believe my ears, the things coming out of my mouth. Delilah, come on now. We were going to run off together, get married, join up with one of those communist families. God damnit, boy, I hate the damn communists! Why would I say any of this? You ain't never even spoke to Mrs. Gerum a day in your life! How would you know what she'd say? Delilah, darling, we can still do this. I'll leave Jenny, I swear it, and you leave Hunter, leave him and we'll go join those commie bastards. Those god damned pinkos. Jesus on a cross of gold, Jed, what's gotten into you? Is this the way you think I am? I'm your own god damned father. There wasn't never nothing between me and Delilah, she was just a nice girl who worked for Pax and I liked a piece of pie now and again. So we talked, where's the crime in that? Goddamn, I talked to Doug Fairbanks, didn't I? You think I'm going to run off to Hollywood to be with dead Doug Fairbanks too? What do you say, Del, me and you, and Doug Fairbanks too, we can start our own sicko ruskie family, worship Stalin and never pay our taxes. Damn it, Jed, you can't do this!

Suddenly, Jed's dad's head exploded.

Besides, Douglas Fairbanks said, walking out of the diner and into Jed's head. Why do you think I'd remember any of this? It was just a piece of god damned apple pie.

And a cigarette.

Doug Fairbanks pulled out his rapier, sliced up Dieter's shirt real good, then kicked him in the ass. Shut up, you damned fool.

Yes sir.

Well, I guess your right. Jed's dad nodded. But Jed, you listen to me. You go on and get that pie. You talk to Cindy if you want. But if you meet a celebrity, and you end up getting married to somebody else, you just keep it to yourself. You hear?

Don't you worry dad. I'll keep it all to myself.