====== Poetry Critique: I Came Upon My Beverly, Clearly ====== "I Came Upon My Beverly, Clearly," is an anonymous epic poem written in a style utterly unlike anything by Edmund Sears, which tells the story of a man, named Nomens, who reads Ramona The Brave as a child, falls in love with the character, and as he grows, so does she, in his mind and his fantasies about her: ''Run Ramona run from your''\\ ''Childhood through menses through my''\\ ''Age-appropriate dreams, you, now, my''\\ ''Collegiate coquette.'' In his dotage he struggles with Alzheimers, confusing the character with her author, and relives the terror of his middle-aged years when he was diagnosed with a low sperm count, rendering his ejaculate less cloudy: ''As clear as weak tea, unsweetened,''\\ ''For 'tis sugars, yea, that giveth''\\ ''The impregnating potable an ironic''\\ ''Briny breath.'' In order to hide this infertility he choose to "finish" any sexual episode onto the heaving bosoms of his imaginary beloved, giving the impression that it is this modus interuptus that leaves them childless, and not due to the failings of his swimmers: ''I came upon my Beverly''\\ ''Clearly, splashed my alibi for''\\ ''Making no new Nomens on her''\\ ''Moisty mamms.'' Nomens tries to provide solace to his imaginary child-now-grown-wife-bride as she silently cries and wipes his inadequacies from her perkies: ''Come, Beverly, for I have,''\\ ''Let me pat thy ample rump''\\ ''As an inadequate means of''\\ ''Soggy succor.'' Inadequate in this as well, Nomens seeks his own solace in a three-volume set: "Normal Sized Nutz: One Man's Journey Toward Humility," "Normal Size Ass Nuts: The Return of Donkey Balls Edwards," and "Ass Balls 3: This Time It's Personal." The vast majority of the poem concerns Nomens' meditations on this trilogy of tomes, specifically: did the author believe, before he found that his nuts were normal sized, that they were large, with gnashing teeth, or diminutive and peering? ''Shark or titmouse, again I say''\\ ''How hath this Edwards seen''\\ ''His erstwhile mansack, bedanglin,'''\\ ''Vainly viewed'' ''In mirror, window front, or the crayoned''\\ ''Imaginearings of his own scribblin'?''\\ ''A self-portrait on the page in''\\ ''Pauper's pink?'' Toward the end of the poem, Nomens has a revelation while being interviewed for a taxidermy periodical called "Boner Magazine," shouting: ''Dead be the cloud that kept me clear! ''\\ ''For now I see without Alzheimer's haze ''\\ ''Mine own unhaze was hazarded by but''\\ ''balding balls!'' Nomens rushes home, creates a makeshift-merkin out of donkey-hide, dons it, and ejaculates into his now menopausal imaginary mate. He then describes the result of the creampie, saying: ''Judging from the drops like pearls''\\ ''That drop from her now-laughing lips, ''White shine on wrinkled rose, a''\\''\\ ''Jacose juxtaposition,'' ''I have busted a legion of angels to fall''\\ ''From labial heaven to hoary underworld''\\ ''The carpeting 'tween our bed and that''\\ ''Bubbling bidet. '' He dies, and is buried with the books, offering them to St. Peter as payment for admittance to heaven.