I Came Upon My Beverly, Clearly, is an anonymous epic poem written in a style utterly unlike anything by Edmund Sears, which tells the story of a man, named Nomens, who reads Ramona The Brave as a child, falls in love with the character, and as he grows, so does she, in his mind and in his fantasies about her:
Run Ramona, run from your Childhood through menses through my Age-appropriate dreams, you, now, my Collegiate coquette.
In his dotage he struggles with Alzheimers, confusing the character with her misspelled author, and relives the terror of his middle-aged years when he was diagnosed with a low sperm count, which rendered his ejaculate less cloudy:
As clear as weak tea, unsweetened, For 'tis sugars, yea, that giveth The impregnating potable its ironic Briny breath.
In order to hide this infertility he chooses to “finish” any sexual episode onto the heaving bosoms of his imaginary beloved, giving the impression that it is this modus interuptus that leaves them childless, and not the failings of his swimmers:
I came upon my Beverly
Clearly, splashed my alibi for
Making no new Nomens on her
Moisty mamms.
Nomes tries to provide solace to his imaginary child-now-grown-wife-bride as she silently cries and wipes his inadequacies from her perkies:
Come, Beverly, for I have,
Let me pat thy ample rump
As an inadequate means of
Soggy succor.
Saddened, Nomens seeks his own solace in a three-volume set: Normal Sized Nutz: One Man’s Journey Toward Humility, Normal Size Ass Nuts: The Return of Donkey Balls Edwards, and Ass Balls 3: This Time It’s Personal. The vast majority of the poem concerns Nomens’ meditations on this trilogy of tomes, specifically: did the author believe, before he found that his nuts were normal sized, that they were large, with gnashing teeth, or did he think they were diminutive and peering?
Shark or titmouse, again I say How hath this Edwards seen His erstwhile mansack, bedanglin,' Vainly viewed. In mirror, window front, or the crayoned Imaginearings of his own scribblin'? A self-portrait on the page in Pauper's pink?
Toward the end of the poem, Nomens has a revelation while being interviewed for a taxidermy periodical called Boner Magazine, shouting:
Dead be the cloud that kept me clear!
For now I see without Alzheimer's haze
Mine own unhaze was hazarded by but
Balding balls!
Nomens rushes home, creates a makeshift-merkin out of donkey-hide, dons is, and ejaculates into his now menopausal imaginary mate. He then describes the result of the creampie, saying:
Judging from the drops like pearls That drop from her now-laughing lips, White shine on wrinkled rose, a Jocose juxtaposition, I have busted a legion of angels to fall From labial heaven to hoary underworld, The carpeting 'tween our bed and that Bubbling bidet.
He dies, and is buried with the books, offering them to St. Peter as payment for admittance to heaven.