Writing Prompt: Come up with a new holiday. Explain why and how it should be celebrated.
Next week is Armless Day. It’s a day for celebrating people who do not have arms. Take it how you want. People who literally have no appendages dangling from their shoulders. Or people who don’t have guns. Think of it like this. Armistice Day is the day we celebrate the end of world war something. Armistice, armisless, armsless, armless. Not much of a stretch. And you can’t carry guns if you don’t have hands. And you can’t have hands if you don’t have arms.
Although there are some fuckers out there. Guys born without arms or legs who practice up and can shoot a bow and arrow while doing a backflip through a flaming hoop. I don’t know when that would be a necessary skill. But I like the irony. Guy with no arms who takes that handicap and turns it into a youtube video. Armless day is for him.
What should you do. Well, there’s options. Some folks pull their arms into the shorts and go through their day. Frankly, that’s ridiculous. But so is religion, and look at the hold that has on the world. Other folks strap all manner of device to their arms. Painful things, straps with barbs, rough stuff that tugs at their arm hairs. There they go with the religion crap again. The idea I guess is to not take arms for granted. Load of crap if you ask me.
If you ask me, here’s what I do. I go to a bar. What good is a holiday if you can’t go to a bar. There’s this culture out there that Xmas sucks, cause of family. Take your goddamn family to a bar. Get piss drunk with your Aunt Clorita. Have a fuckin’ fist-fight with your dad. Trust me, by last call, you all be in love again. So, I go to a bar, I get a booth, I get a few drinks in me. I trap my arm between me and the wall. Eventually my arm goes to sleep. Now I’m armless.
Is it much? No. But so what. President’s day, arbor day, christ, even armistice day. Who celebrates those anymore. If I had a time machine, I’d go back to when I was 15 and got my ass kicked by Lemar Washington. But then I’d go back to George himself, and say, guess what. They’re going to celebrate your birthday by putting sheets on sale. Still worth it, freezing your ass off at Valley Forge? Then I’d asked to see his teeth.
Maybe we should have a toothless day. A fella could make a killing selling fake wooden fake teeth. I mean capitalism, right. That’s all holidays are good for anymore.