A friend posted some pictures on Facebook and she looked like she had lost some weight.
At first I wanted to make a comment. “Have you lost weight? You look great!”
Then it occurred to me that this friend looked pretty great before, too. Most of my friends look pretty great. Most people look pretty great. Sometimes people get sick, or are going through something, and don’t look so great, but at those times, looks don’t matter.
Then I realized, for the most part, looks never matter. This friend, in a particular, has a heart of gold and is one of my favorite people.
But then I thought, well, all you’re trying to do is make her feel good. You just want to compliment her so she knows you noticed the hard work she (maybe) put into staying healthy.
Because physical appearance is a socially acceptable topic for comment. Sending someone a comment that says “Hey, just wanted to mention that I saw your swimming-suit pictures and was reminded what a truly wonderful personality you have,” is not only borderline creepy, it has connotations of saying a person is unattractive, ironically!
Then, of course, I decided to say nothing, because who cares if a 44-year-old man thinks someone lost a few pounds?
And after that I got sort of mad that we live in a world where this much thought and anxiety goes into a stupid picture on some stupid social media site.
Then I had a beer and watched you-tube videos of babies playing with puppies, and felt lots better.
What I learned from all of this is that while may I have been socialized to evaluate people by their looks, I still have the choice to articulate that evaluation or not. And that’s where my power lies, that choice. Next time I see that friend, instead of mentioning her weight, I’ll ask her what she’s been up to. I’ll lead the conversation towards exercise or food choices or whatever. I’ll let her say as much or as little as she wants. I’ll tell her I am inspired by her dedication and hard work.
Then we’ll have some beers and I’ll show her those you-tube videos.