I Have Three Arms! Okay Not Really

Postaday for May 28th: A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma. Tell us something most people probably don’t know about you.

I have three arms. Okay, not really. But I do have ESP.

Fine, fine, I don’t have ESP. But if I did have ESP I would try to read your mind right now, and find out if you’re thinking “Does he really not have three arms? Is he lying about lying about it? Maybe he does, maybe he has three arms, which would be quite a feat! Afterall, bilateral symmetry is one of the vary basics of animal existence. To have three arms, he would have had to have overcome some five-billions years of evolution. You don’t joke about something like that. Three manly arms on one body would be almost too much. All those biceps! Would the third one have it’s own deltoid? What if it’s growing out of his head! No, it wouldn’t be growing out if his head. The prompt said, “something most people probably don’t know. If this guy’s got a third arm, growing out of his head, it would haven been on Buzzfeed by now. So, yeah, he doesn’t have three arms.”

But I don’t have ESP so I have no idea if you’re thinking all that. Maybe you have ESP? Well then, what am I going to tell you about myself that you don’t already know? What if everybody except me has ESP? That would be funny. “Here’s something about me that most people probably don’t know: I don’t have ESP.” Ha.

I mean, most people don’t know anything about it me, including that I exist. I have probably interacted in my life with, I don’t know, a few million people, if you count friends, lovers, and baristas (note: sadly, no one has ever been all three). But a few million isn’t even one percent of all people. So here’s something most people definitiely don’t know about me: I am.

I like Spam. I memorized pi to 33 places, once. I nearly died last weekend white-water rafting. I’ve written and published two books. I enjoy listening to The New Mastersounds. I keep my Facebook profile 100% public accessible. Our house was robbed when I was a kid, and they stole a freezer full of frozen meat. One of my favorite songs to run to is Yatta by Green Leaves, as well as Morning Musume’s Joshi Kashimashi Monogatari. I have a degree in English but never read Moby Dick. I’ve never had a conversation with a nun. I can solve a Rubik’s Cube but it takes a while. I could stand to lose about 20 pounds or so. 30 would be ideal. That is never going to happen.

Ach, ptooey, boring stuff. I’d rather go back to the three-arms-and-ESP thing. I wonder if there’s anyone with ESP, and does she know if there are any people with three arms hiding themselves away from our terrible two-arm-biased society. That poor gal, bearing the horrible weight of that truth. And that poor guy! Hiding his third arm! I wouldn’t, if I was him. Not even in anticipation of writing to a prompt like today’s. Call me lazy.