I, A Go-With-The-Flow Kinda Guy, Don’t Have Enough Passion to be Jealous

Postaday for May 8th: Green-Eyed Lady. We all get jealous from time to time — what wakes the green-eyed monster for you?

I can’t think of how I suffer from jealousy. But everybody suffers from jealousy, so I’m going to characterize that as a character flaw in myself. I wish I suffered from jealousy! I want to suffer from jealousy. I am so envious of you people who suffer from jealousy.

And trust me, I know what jealousy can do. Oh, to have that drive. But I don’t, so there must be something wrong with me. For example, this happened recently. I have this good friend, let’s call him Oliver. Oliver is the captain of our pub trivia team, Venetian Blondes. Oliver decided to make this guy Charles the co-captain of our team, even though I‘m, like, the best when it comes to 1997 Mariners trivia. But am I jealous? Nope.

Anyway, this girl, let’s call her Desiree, starts hanging out with Oliver. Whatever. I don’t even know about it until Rodney the bartender tells me, and he only tells me because he wants Desiree for himself. So I’m all like, fine, let’s kill two birds. I tell Oliver that Charles is putting the moves on Desiree. I figure, he’ll kick Charles off the team, and I’ll be co-captain, and then we can totally kick ass in the pub trivia finals. We’re going up against the Master Turkey Basters, those jerks!

Oliver goes ballistic. He’s all like, “we need to take Charles out.” And I’m all like, “you know it!” I get the paperwork to have Charles removed from the team. I give it to Rodney. Rodney calls Charles. They get into a fight. Charles totally kicks Rodney’s ass. I can’t have that, so while they’re brawling, I bust a glass on Chuck’s head. He goes down. I call an ambulance, ride with both guys to the hospital. While we’re on our way, I accidentally pinch the line on Rodney’s oxygen mask. Accidentally, I swear.

We get to the hospital, and guess who’s there. Only Oliver and Desiree! I guess kicking Charles off the team wasn’t enough. He had to take it out on Desiree too, sheesh! She’s in a coma, Rodney’s in a coma. Chuck is in a coma, and then this girl Emily shows up, and she’s all like, he lied! Desiree never slept with Charles! And Oliver goes nuts, attacks me, and when the cops come running, he throws himself out a window. Now Oliver’s in coma. Great.

Everyone is in a coma except for me. It’s not fair. All I wanted was to help my team win, and these idiots get crazy jealous and put themselves in comas and now I’m all alone. Not cool. And now I’m thinking, if only I’d been jealous, too, maybe I would have done something crazy and get to be in coma like all my friends. I just want to be a normal everyday jealous person.

But I can’t! And it’s breaking my heart. How do you people do it? How are you able to be so human? Why can’t I be deep and emotional like you people?