Okay, according to my little green card here, coming up we've got Dr. Chance Chase, who's going to give us the truth about turrets, which should be a blankity blank good discussion. Did you see what did there, Marcus? I said blankity blank instead of an actual curse words. That's called what? Barrettes? No, those are what's left on your pillow after you pay the hookers to leave. I'm laughing in a disarming way now, Marcus, it's okay to laugh back. And there's his patented trombone whoop. Mr. Marcus Faller, ladies and gentleman.

But now we've got a real treat for you. This guy's seen it all. Really seen it all, and that's saying something, coming from a B-list celebrity like me who's slept his way to the middle. And back down again, that's right, Marcus. Yes, I remember our "interview." A little inside joke, folks. Anyway, without any more delay, let's have a big round of applause for Mr. Dennis Tanbottom. Marcus!

...

There you are, Mr. Tanbottom. So, let's get right to it, you are an executioner for the state of Texas, is that right? It is, I see, and what sorts of executions do you do. Electric chair? Fascinating. How many executions have you overseen. Wow. How long have you been doing this job. Really? Marcus, do the math for me, how many is that per year? A whole freaking lot, that's the figure I came up with as well. Has it had any effect on you. Mr. Tanbottom? Sorry, Dennis. That many executions, that's got to have an effect. Ha, you and me both! Who can walk into a Denny's and not be offended by the smell of bacon? Well, you've certainly kept your sense of humor, Dennis.

Is that you're only job at the prison? Oh, I see, you work at multiple prisons. So you travel around-- let me ask you a question, do you take the chair with you? Really? I was actually joking, I didn't expect you would take the chair with you. It's on a bus, I see. And, what, do you take it out and set it up, or do you just-- ah, like, roadies? What about groupies? Gosh, again, I was joking, I didn't expect-- wow. That's something. But you're married, right? Divorced. Twice? No offense, Dennis, but that sort of makes sense. What's that Marcus? Have chair, will travel. Way to keep up with the conversation, Marcus. And, cue the trombone whoop. This is why we get the excellent ratings, folks.

So are you the only executioner for the state, or are there other traveling chairsmen like yourself? Ah, that makes sense. Lethal injection and gas chamber? But surely the gas chamber guy doesn't travel-- he does? Any others? A man with an actual gallows drives from prison to prison. But why would Texas have so many forms of execution, Dennis? One for each kind of hot sauce, yes Marcus, very funny. So glad you're here to inject humor into this very somber subject. Ignore him, Dennis, he gets paid in marijuana. Oho! Did you hear that, Marcus, better not go to Texas, or you'll be seeing Mr. Tanbottom here again! I think that was your best trombone whoop ever.

But seriously, Dennis, why so many ways to execute a man in Texas? Yes, I remember when they passed that law, the One Strike and You're Out law. What, by a hundred? You're telling me there's a hundred times more executions than before? Yes, I know, there were already quite a few to begin with. I see, the condemned are allowed to pick their preferred method of execution. From a list, though, right? They can't just make it up. Well I know how Marcus would choose to go. The same way he goes to sleep every night. That's not a laugh track, Dennis.

Firing squad, of course. Guillotine, really? Literally? Wow. How about just a simple burly man in a black mask with an axe? Maybe I should work for Texas, Dennis, I keep coming up with the ideas that they seem to be doing already.

Well, that was simply amazing. Really. But before we let you go, one more question. Is it true that people are moving to Texas in unprecedented numbers? You didn't know that? Yes, got it right here, the number of people moving to Texas has quadrupled almost overnight. And according to this report, since the One-Strike law went into place, crime has increased about three thousand percent. Isn't that incredible? It's like people are dying to move to Texas.

Now would be a good time for that trombone whoop, Marcus.